The kind of want that drives

     I keep a regular journal, and sometimes my best writing happens there. It is that kind of writing that is unchecked by the fact that someone might read it, there is no ego there, just the raw self. I never edit my journals, I only flow with them and from them much is produced. I also revisit them because they often speak to me. In the following entry that I will share, I was in a season of keeping record of my blessings (thanks to Ann Voskamps’ 1000 Blessings).  A season of discovery and remembrance, one out of which many a song flows.

     I weigh in, and I am in want. Not the kind of want that destroys. Maybe the kind that drives… This list: a home to grow in. A record (of life events placed in song and driven into grooves that tell). These things are not unreasonable or even unattainable. I have opportunity, and that is never to be dismissed. I am tied to the greatest enabler of impossibilities in existence, The One who is goodness, driving home that this is not too far fetched. 

  I remember the phrase, “To fulfill her dreams”, sending a shock wave through me. There, on a bench, engraved - the way they do on records. And I am not a blind sort of a person, distracted and unable to connect the dots. I know God places Loud and clear signs, that I would know His intention. And so, I don’t question His intentions anymore like I used to. Maybe now I just press deeper in - to listen. I dream. I try to stay present. I try to learn. These moments are swift... fleeting, and so I try desperately to be fully aware of them, though most go without notice. And these gifts I have been given… I try to number just a mere few...


85 - The ease with which my fingers move across a fretboard

87 - Little hands that pull me in for kisses on gums and sweet breath with great big smiles

88 - Meditation, the calming of all the voices

89 - The pretty 1950’s green paint on a semi (reminding me of the central valley and long highways)

90 - The ergonomic-to-hand ceramic, warm with black lightening liquid - messy hair to accompany

91 - Chats with perfect strangers; hellos’ en route

92 - The grace of my coffee girl when I screw up my coffee with too much agave

93 - Sleeping through the night (once again)

95 - The cool of the spring morning as it meets my waking movements

96 - The hope of a day to be all it was intended to be; to be placed in time, here and now

99 - Having such good players to come along side me musically.

101 - The old man that shimmied on the dance floor, throwing hands high, while I played old standards. 


   I list what I currently have that I may be full in the now. I rejoice in todays’ gifts that I may dream into tomorrow with joy and health. 

   May I never be far from all that wonder which I am encompassed in, all the gifts that raise their hands to touch my world. I am in want, surely. The kind of want that dreams are made out of.

“And he said, ‘ My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest’ "
Ex 33:14