10:04pm, exactly at this moment. not too far away it is 1:04am, and across the sea it is tomorrow. I sit in anticipation of the year to come, in my version of now. Its a new year already to most of the world. Crazy.
What has this last year offered me, and what have I offered. At first glance only the majors came to mind. A new baby, some new songs,what else... hasn't everything moved at a snail pace? Everything blends together in the constant mothering, in the major shifts of family and work. Where has the time gone, what have the days offered up but a blur... have I really anything to reflect of worth?
But then there were those quiet moments. The meditative ones, the profound ones where I actually heard something. Looking back over the last year in my journal, quiet with God, asking for highlights, I started to see the deep rooted soil I can say I stand upon. It may not be obvious or loud, but this is where all change begins. It is like a seed, small and unnoticed from which great things grow. Surely I have been invested into in the quiet, we all are investments - worthy treasure troves. My list began:
Closed open wounds of a homeland and reconnected to a birthplace
A rewired heart, ashes for beauty: Jealousy, envy, grief and strife for Expectancy, Hope, Truth and joy
Brought forth new life in the deep waters of womb, divinely knit.
Experienced deep reliance
A year of listening
A year of dreaming
A year of defined identity
So many things have changed, and in the flurry it can seem missed and small, almost invisible and hard to point to... and yet is so major. For me, it has been life changing. All paradigm shifts are. I know I have been in the growth stages for a while and that something worth while will be birthed out of it.
I look to the lists of beauty I have made. So many things that would normally be missed...
-That place my lips land when my baby snuggles up to me, right behind his ear, on the peach fuzz of his head. Yum
-That moment when I nestle under the covers, soft and cool, and I get to fall asleep unhindered
-The fish hanging from my sons 'go fish' pole, how he wants to show me what he caught (may he always want to show me)
-Old friends who know pieces of me, sacred pieces. The kind of knowing that feels like yesterday and always has been, always will be.
-The reminder that 'hurry' is not part of Gods vocabulary, a reminder to be restful in every moment
-The ease with which my fingers move upon a fretboard
-The old man who 'shimmied' on the dance floor, throwing hands high, while i played old standards
-That, sometimes, church bells ring out- and I can hear them from home...
And the list goes on, every day. Morning coffee, encouragement from friends, kindness of strangers, all things working together for good.
This year has taught me many things. But mostly, I think I have learned to see with intention. To confidently hear. To powerfully be.